Read Chapter One Free. By the author John Smith

                                                                                                         Chapter One

I could tell straight away that Joyce was pissed off with something, what I didn't know, but I was guessing it was me? It was after all, always me! Sometimes, well most of the time, I could and did, in fact do it without any effort at all, without even trying?​.

I now quickly tried to think, what hadn't I done, or what had I forgotten to do, or what hadn't I done properly? Sitting here at my laptop and thanks to our ‘L’ shaped rooms I had a good view of the lounge, dining room and Kitchen. Yes the sofa cushions were in the right positions on the sofas. Yes I had hovered the carpet, yes the dogs toys were in the corner where they were supposed to be. Yes I had done the washing up; the dishes were drying in the front of the drainer, followed by plates, then mugs and glasses. Cutlery and other utensils were drying on the left hand side, in the plastic drainer. And yes I had emptied the rubbish bin, and yes also fitted a new bin liner, I mean God forbid, if I ever forgot to fit a new bin liner, or leave out a Vodka bottle that I had forgotten to hide?
I mean quite why she, and now I’m talking about that dear wife of mine, quite why she thought that all of those, were my jobs, quite why she thought all those jobs were down to me, I still hadn't worked out?
Yes okay she does have a full time job, but then also so do I; however that dear wife of mine would not agree with me about that? And the reason for that is, I work at home, or at least I do when I've done all the jobs that dear wife of mine gives me to do.
I would like nothing more than to start work as soon as I got up in the morning, but oh no I can’t do that? Because our daughter Rosy still lives at home with us, that and the fact that she is 25 and still living at home with us and with her dog. What has that got to do with me, I hear you ask? It means to me, I’m the silly sod who has to take the dog for a walk every day. So I’ve just lost an hour a day, before I start to do anything else. The fact that Joyce, that dear wife of mine has just got home, and is now starting to bang cupboard doors, and that is a dead giveaway she was pissed at something, or someone, and I was betting that someone was bound to be me? However before either one of us could speak, the telephone began to ring. I did breathe a sigh of relief, as I picked up the phone and pushed the answer Key.
“John you cake, how you doin?”
I recognised the voice, straight away, and although I knew the voice belonged to Rosemary, who was my American book Publisher, I would never have believed the call was coming from halfway around the world? Before I could answer her she went on.
“John how’s the book coming along, is it anywhere nearly finished?”
This time I did manage to reply.
“Rosemary, if you had to live here, with my daughter, her dog, and Joyce, well then guess what, you wouldn’t be asking me that silly question would you?” Rosemary however was not very impressed with my answer, because she went on.
“Look John, I’m going to come straight to the point, we had a meeting here today, and we are no longer satisfied with your work, or rather the buying public are no longer satisfied with your work? Your book sales are down by 25% last month, and 23% the previous month. John you need to come up with something new, you need to come up with a new angle a new twist. John, John you still there?”
“Yes, yes, I’m here, well as a matter of fact, I have got a new angle.”
“Well John am I glad to hear about this little gem, and just when were you thinking of sharing this little gem with me?”
“Well it’s only just been sorted, and just in case you didn’t tune in to KRYSTAL Radio last week well then you won’t know that I teamed up with KRYSTAL Radio, to run a competition?”
“I’m sorry John, KRYSTAL Radio, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of KRYSTAL Radio?”
“Well Rosemary, I’m not really surprised, because it is a famous London Radio station, here in London in the UK because that is just where I just happen to live, however, having just said that, it is also worldwide on the internet. In fact they do have an American DJ who transmits her very own show from over your side of the world.”
“John just cut the crap and get to the point, please?”
“Well the point is the winner of the competition gets his very own story, written by yours truly, he stars throughout in his very own book, and it’s based on his very own idea.”
“Yes John that’s all very interesting but your point is?”
“Well Rosemary my point is as far as I’m aware it’s never been done before, this will be a first, for mankind?”
“Look John, and please don’t throw your dummy out of the pram, when I say this, but that will cut no ice, with the directors, however what I did have in mind, was for you to take an all-expenses paid holiday. And while you are there, well if you care to do a little writing also, then I’m sure that will show you up in a good light, as far as the directors are concerned?”
“Well thank you Rosemary however it is a bit short notice and I’m not sure Joyce will be able to get the time off work anyway?”
“John listen to me, I wasn’t talking about Joyce, and I wasn’t talking, about what you would call a family holiday here either? I’m talking about a single man’s, or a bit like a single man’s holiday guide because after reading your books, I’m sure this assignment will suit you right down to the ground?”
“Rosemary listen to me, I’m not a young man anymore I’m 56 years old, I can’t party all night long like I used too?”
“John I know that, and that makes you, the perfect candidate, you are not going to be shagging every pretty lady in sight, are you?”
“Why is that what they do in the Philippines then?”
I just had to ask her.
“Well John I don’t know whether they do or not, that’s why you are going to go over there and find out, isn’t it John?”
When I didn’t answer, Rosemary went on.
“John if you want another contact from us, then the answer you are looking for is yes.”
“Well Rosemary when you put it like that, what can a man say?”
“John that’s great I knew all along you would agree, I’ll book your flight, I’ll send your money by Western Union which you can collect when you get there. Out of which you will need to pay your hotel bill from, and the Minder whom I have arranged to look after you. Who will by the way meet you at the airport? The rest of the money is for your own living expenses. Now any questions John?”
“Minder I have a minder? Why do I need a Minder Rosemary?”
“Well even if you just keep him on the payroll until you get the feel of the place, but that John will be up to you okay? Now, I’ll email you your flight itinerary, and tickets okay so be sure to check you emails, now John any other questions?”
Well I was sure that there was, but as I couldn’t think of any right there, and right now, I hung up the phone to do battle with that dear wife of mine, who had been listening to every word I’d said on the phone?
“Philippines, Minder, so John what’s going on, and when were you planning to tell me about this, this, well whatever it is?”
“Well Joyce my dear I’m planning to tell you about this, just as soon as I find out myself, after all how can I tell you about something, even I don’t know about yet?”
“John at least you can start by telling me what you do know, can’t you?”
“Well I do know my publisher wants me to go to the Philippines, I also know she wants me to have a Minder, while I’m there to look after me, and I also know she is going to email me the flight tickets and details, and at the moment that is all I know. Well no, actually that’s not quite true, because I also know if I don’t go then my publishers will not be issuing me with any new contracts, how does that grab you Joyce?”
“Well that doesn’t surprise me in the least, why do you think it should do then John? I still can’t understand for the life of me, why don’t you get a proper job, and go to work every day like proper and normal people do. That’s what I still can’t understand John?”
What I wanted to say was.
“Well Joyce I still can’t understand why you just don’t mind your own business, that’s what I can’t understand?”
But I didn’t, instead I just carried on writing on my laptop.
And too late I did think of another question, which was, what about the voltage in the Philippines, because I would need to take my laptop, and I would need to plug it in to recharge it? However I needn’t have worried because as it turns out, it is 220/230 volts the same as ours over here in England. Or at least that is what the national grid will claim? But anyone who has ever plugged in a volt meter at peak times, or not just at peak times, will tell you, it’s more like 210/215 volts, rather than the 220/230 volts, that they claim, it does fluctuate up and down. And yes at 3 am in the morning when most people are tucked up safe and warm in bed, yes the 220/230 volts are all yours. However when everyone jumps up between the commercials of East Enders, to put the kettle on for a cup of tea, well then it’s 210 volts if you’re lucky?
Anyway yes, I opened my emails printed off my e-ticket and flight details. It was then a mad panic to find my passport, because without that, I would be going nowhere?
“Have you seen it?”
I asked Joyce.
“Why would I have seen your passport, it’s yours, not mine, I know where mine is, why don’t you know where yours is then John?”
“Because you put things away somewhere, then you forget where you have put then, and then you remember to say.”
“Well I don’t know where it is, I haven’t seen it, and why should I, because it’s your passport and not mine?”
Now I was trying to help her out here so I suggested.
“Well maybe just maybe, you put them both together somewhere you know so one of them didn’t get lost or something?”
“And just how could one get lost then John?”
“Well I don’t know Joyce, how one could get lost, but it has hasn’t it Joyce, and it’s not yours that is lost is it, oh no its mine that’s lost, isn’t it? It seems funny to me, that you lost mine and not yours, so how does that work Joyce, just explain that to me if you can?”
But of course she couldn’t, and then one day it just sort of showed up, one day it wasn’t there, and the next day it just appeared as if by magic? If that’s what you want to call it anyway?
One week later I was sitting on a National Express coach on route to terminal 4 Heathrow airport. After listening to Joyce trying to explain, how she could drive to Gatwick airport, but didn’t know the road well enough to be able to drive to Heathrow? Question mark, yes that’s what I thought as well, but I couldn’t be bothered to ask, or argue, so I didn’t. Which is why I was sitting on this coach right here and right now?
Yes agreed I wasn’t looking forward to the flight, the longest I had ever sat on a plane before was for only 8 hours, and that was for a family holiday in Florida. Well 3 times in fact, but those 8 hours seemed to last forever? And now here I was going on a 16 hour flight. Okay agreed we did have a nearly 3 hour stopover in Abu Dhabi, but it was still 9 hours to Abu Dhabi. Then another 7 hours from there to the Philippines, so I would be travelling for a total of 20 hours, by the time I eventually got to my hotel.
However one thing I was looking forward too and looking forward to very much indeed was I would get to see my best friend again.
For years I had been best friends with a famous model from the Philippines. We had met about 5 years ago at a party, called ‘The London’s Famous Peoples Party’ and to say I was knocked out by her beauty is an understatement.
She had long black hair, almost in fact down to her 25 inch waist, and the brownest eyes you’d ever seen. She was tall and slim, well apart from her 35 inch bust that is. And I guessed she would be no older than 25. She did also have a pretty and a flawless face, with the most kissable lips you ever did see. In fact I didn't find out her real age for another year, and even then I didn't believe her? Her real age proved to be 40, which just goes to show just how very wrong a man can be?
Bernardita Edwards was her married name owning to the fact she was married to an Englishman.
Tony Edwards was an English bar owner, in the Philippines, and he fell in love with Bernardita the first time he saw her, and I could well understand that as well. As the years went on, Bernardita’s modelling work began to dry up; her husband sold his bar and retired with Bernardita and are now living happily ever after in the Philippines.
After the party where we had met, Bernardita returned home to the Philippines, we however kept in touch with each other by Facebook. And when I told her I was coming to the Philippines, she didn’t hesitate, and straight away invited me to stay with her at her house. Which of course I jumped at the chance, and needless to say I saw no point in telling that dear wife of mine, that I wasn’t going to stay in a hotel after all, I was going to stay in a house owned by a famous model? On Facebook the night before I gave Bernardita the number of my flight, which would land at Manila airport, she told me, her Minder and driver, Jordan would meet me at the airport.
”You have a Minder and driver?”
I asked her.
”Yes of course his name is Jordan Estabillo Mercado, and I also have a yaya, or housekeeper to you and her name is Gina Montalvo Tecson.”
Bernardita also made me promise her, that I would not leave the airport with anyone other than with Jordan, why she said that I didn’t know at the time, but I would find out why when I got there?
I looked out of the coach window and it looked just like it was going to start raining? Bernardita did say September in the Philippines was the rainy season, but I decided that I wouldn’t mind the rain, not if I was with her anyway?
The only problem I had with the coach was, it picked me up at Colchester bus station, but it didn’t go direct to Heathrow airport. Along the way we made several stops for putting down and picking up other passengers, but it was cheap, so I suppose it was a case of ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ and as that dear wife of mine couldn’t drive me there, well I couldn’t be a chooser?
But eventually we did arrive at Terminal 4 and well before the 3 hour check in deadline. Which I was pleased about, owning to the fact that, that dear wife of mine was still at home. Which meant I could do whatever I wanted to do, so I made a beeline for the bar, something I wouldn’t be allowed to do if that dear wife of mine was with me?
It was true that I had always had a drink problem, or a wife problem, the problem was that dear wife of mine didn’t drink, well not much anyway. Maybe a glass of wine on Christmas day if I was lucky, and because she didn’t drink then she didn’t think anyone else should either? And guess what, I was that someone else?
Over the years I had survived the best way that I could, I had to resort to drinking Vodka, I mean Vodka how sad was that, I didn’t even like Vodka, but Vodka was good because it didn’t smell, well not much anyway?
However sitting here in the bar, I didn’t give that dear wife of mine a second thought, because in a few hours’ time she would be a million miles away, and I would be like a free man, and I did say out loud.
“Oh thank you Rosemary cheers, thank you so much.”
I decided three pints of Cider and a double Brandy was enough to steady my nerves, I never had liked flying, but the alcohol was working. It wasn’t the fact that I was scared of flying, I wasn’t, scared of flying it’s the being confined bit, that I didn’t like much, I don’t like being in a confined space, I do know that there is a medical condition for this, but what it’s called, I have completely forgotten at the moment, but I do know there is one?
However with about five drinks under my belt I decided, it was time to check in, so grabbing my suitcase and hand luggage, I then headed for check in zone F.
As I waited in the queue, I was behind a pretty young lady who certainly had her hands full, and the reason for this was she had two suit cases and two rucksacks for hand luggage and a restless, maybe 2 year old toddler his name turned out to be Zac, and his mother’s name turned out to be Amie, but it would be a couple of weeks until I found out that?
It was after I had checked in and headed to security that I caught up with her once again. Her problem was, she wanted to pass through the security check point with her hand luggage, however her 2 year old toddler had other ideas, he didn’t want to? So here she was trying to hold two rucksacks and her toddler, and she only had one pair of hands.
She stopped and looked around, and saw me, and said.
“I’m sorry would you mind taking this hand luggage through security for me?”
Well what did I say, what could I say, I said the only thing I could say, which was nothing because the pretty lady had dropped the hand luggage at my feet, and had gone running off after her 2 year old toddler.
So I did the only thing I could do, and that was to pick it up and line up to go through the security doorway. When it was my turn to go through, I put mine and the pretty lady’s hand luggage, together with my shoes, belt, watch, mobile, into a plastic tray, and pushed it towards the x-ray machine. I then also walked through the doorway.
However after I had gone through, my tray hadn’t, or rather it had, but was being held back by the security officer.
”Is this tray yours sir?”
The young blonde sexy security officer asked me.
“Yes.”
I confirmed it is.
“And this baby milk in this baby’s bottle, is this yours as well sir?”
“Well no not the baby’s milk, that’s not mine.”
“Excuse me sir who is the baby’s milk for then, where is the baby?”
I turned and saw the pretty young lady and her toddler about 25 feet away; they had just cleared the security.
“There I said, he’s over there with his mother, why can’t I take his milk through with me then?”
“Well yes sir you can but you will have to sip it first to make sure it is milk?”
“I’m, I’m not sure if I can?”
I wanted to call over the pretty young mother, but she was still too far away, and the security offer was getting inpatient, because she now said.
“Sir you are holding up the queue, are you going to sip the milk or not?”
So again I did the only thing I could do, I unscrewed the lid, smelt it and sipped it. And I did guess it was baby milk. However it was enough to satisfy the security officer, because she pushed the tray towards me.  And I was free to go.
No sooner had I replaced my belt and picked up my things, put my shoes back on, then the pretty lady with the toddler was there waiting for me, and I asked.
“I’m hoping that was baby milk I just tasted, please tell me it was?”
“Oh I’m sorry I gave you the wrong bag to take through, but yes don’t worry it was baby milk, thank you anyway, I do have my hands full as you can see?”
And I did have to agree with her about that as well.

Copyright© by John P. Smith all rights reserved.